If God's forgiven me, why do I still feel like crap?

I take it on faith that if I am stomach-sickeningly honest about what I have done when I ask God for forgiveness, I am forgiven immediately. All trace is completely erased. If I go back tomorrow, which I have been known to do, and bring it up again, God would have no idea what I am refering to. It no longer exists in the universal mind - the definition of forgive and forget. In Eastern thought, no karma. So, if I pray, am honest about what I've done and want to be free of it, I am freed.

Which takes me to my question. In this Lenten time of reflection, my time in the desert of my own thoughts and feelings, I'm wondering why I don't feel freed by God's love and forgiveness.


My daughter and I went to the same church at different times for Ash Wednesday services. I've never experienced a traffic jam going to church before, let alone at 4pm on Wednesday. The 3 mile, normally 10 minute drive came to a dead stop just a mile from my house. I had to park illegally and cross a field to get to the service on time. The liturgy was what I have become comfortable with: 3 scripture readings - 1 Old Testament, 1 from the Epistles, and the third from the Gospels - each followed by a hymn and then finally the homily.

The ashes from the palms used at last year's Palm Sunday were mixed with Holy water and we were asked to come forward. As the cross of ashes was made I felt a surge of energy at the center of my forehead like touching a light electric current. I couldn't hear the blessing. All I could do was catch my breath and focus on keeping my balance. Back kneeling in the pew I felt a deep love and comfort, profound security. When it was time to stand I stumbled right where I stood.

I came out into a beautiful late February day in Cypress, mild temperature, turquoise sky, high white clouds, flowers in bloom, the grass green and the trees still bare. Houston rush hour with the extra church traffic should have been impossible but it flowed easily and I remember being happy to be there, happy to be breathing and to be going home. Later, my daughter stopped to see me on her way back to school and told me about her first Ash Wednesday. It was my story in every detail.

The things I've done that I have asked, have been forgiven and forgotten by God. And I may have forgiven myself but I haven't forgotten. I'm really pretty good at forgiving. I've even forgiven my ex-husband for allowing our son to be abused all those years, for ignoring his financial obligations for the last three years and one or two other things.

Forgetting is much trickier. We are beings that possess memory for survival, learning, and improving our lives. I'm not interested in forgetting that my ex has been untrustworthy. That would be dangerous. If I forget the things that I have done that I regret, then how do I keep the learning? I think the goal is to give up the guilt, shame, anger and fear toward myself and others and trust myself to do better next time.


So here is my theory:

God forgives and forgets completely.

I can embrace that forgiveness as my own and I can forgive others. I might not forget what happened, but I can release the pain and trust that I, and you, will do better next time.

If I can remember that, I'll feel much better.