Most of the time I'm sure you can see the real, goofy, screw up I do, tripping all over myself trying meet my own expectations. It seems the older I get the more inept I feel. Recently though, I've noticed some subtle changes.
More than a month ago, I was asked to write a letter to clearly express my desires and intentions as they relate to joining the Roman Catholic Church and to bring it to the retreat this weekend. It's been an awful lot to think about. I apologize if I've left you hanging while I've worked through it.
My desire is to follow the path I have been called to by God. My intention is to follow that call no matter where it leads. I do not want to convert from my Methodist upbringing. I am the 6th, and my children are the 7th, generation baptized in the church my great, great grandfather founded.
I do not want to be Catholic. I did not wake up one morning on yet another lark to do something unusual and provocative. Among some of my Protestant and, particularly among my non-Christian friends, my new affiliation has been suprising, dismaying and downright confusing. As I was called to be a mother, called to study the word of God, gifted to teach and provide comfort and truth, I am called to be Catholic.
Sometime this weekend I will go to reconciliation (confession). I am scared to death. Really. I've been "quite a pistol", as my grandmother said daily, carefully disguised as a responsible adult. I have never, NEVER, spoken out loud the things I have done to hurt others and myself. I have never spoken it to myself. I really prefer to ignore my failings and move on, trying to do better next time.
I am trusting the process. There have been people, with just the right amount of loving and support, to guide me through this far. They will be there for me through reconciliation and confirmation. When it is over, when I have bared my conscience, I pray I will be freed of it in a way I can not let it go myself.
Why am I asking to be admitted to full communion with the Roman Catholic Church? Because I believe the doctrine, teaching, ritual and traditions of the church. I believe to find truth we must go back to our roots. For me, that is the original church. I love being Catholic.
594. Tuesday, June 9, 2026
2 days ago
This whole post could have been written by me! I understand the tension, the pull from both sides. Becoming Catholic was the scariest thing I've ever done. More than getting married, more than giving birth...
ReplyDeleteSometimes while at home I question myself still. I think, "did I do the right thing? did God really call me to do this or did I follow my own heart, or my own head? Am I crazy?" Usually all it takes is a trip to Mass to send these questions fleeing to the corner of my mind. I don't know what it is, the only thing I can guess is that it has something to do with Jesus being there in the Eucharist. I can't tell you how many times I dread going to Mass, I question everything - the whole idea of Sunday obligation, my conversion, everything, and then I get there, kneel down in my pew and this overwhelming sense of thankfulness comes over me. I've cried more times than I can tell you - and I am not, not a crier! - just praying and thanking God for bringing me to His Church. This is a weird thing for me, and I don't expect it to be a universal response, but it's been true for me.
And about Confession... it's not that bad. I dread it every time, I drag my feet about going. But it's never as bad as I think. And at the end, after you have poured your heart out (sweating and shaking the whole time), at the pronouncement of absolution... amazing feeling. Even my teenage son comments on it. He hates, hates, hates going to confession - fights me every time, but afterwards he always says, "that wasn't so bad". LOL!
Rambling as usual,
Jackie
God bless you Jackie. That was just what I needed to hear at just the right time. This decision, process, transformation is impossible to explain and damned scarey. We're off to retreat this evening. Please pray for us.
ReplyDeleteAnd please keep rambling.